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Post by jen51 on Aug 23, 2016 19:25:11 GMT -5
I've always been of the mindset that when someone gives you a gift, you graciously accept it even if it's something you don't particularly like. This rule has been fine for me up until children came into the picture.
You see, my mother and sister are the types who would do something like give the book "50 shades of gray" to a junior high girl for her birthday. They'd also give them bikini's, short shorts and tanktops. We don't have any children above the age of 1 yet, but I can already forsee this as being a problem. An ugly sweater that she'll never wear is one thing (of course we should accept that gift), but items that are harmful to their soul are another. We are pretty choosy about the books we let into our house, movies as well. We don't want our children watching Disney, and we don't want them reading books promoting bad social ideals, even if they are currently the most popular children's books.
Telling grandparents we don't want these types of gifts would cause a war. I don't want family conflict if it can be avoided. I also don't want to be taking my child's gifts away from them.
Parents, have you had to deal with situations similar? Looking for some advice, please!
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Post by Voxxkowalski on Aug 23, 2016 20:46:51 GMT -5
Jen...Ive had total war with both my mom and others about inappropriate gifts. I try to be kind...but sometimes you just have to make the stand...its very hard...but it has to be done. |
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Post by Clotilde on Aug 23, 2016 21:15:10 GMT -5
When they are little, just briefly thank them and throw it away when you get home. They won't see it in your house, your child playing with it, or your child wearing it and over the years they will get the idea. By them time your children are old enough to know better, they can say thanks and throw it away themselves when you get home. Where we are at in life right now, our children don't want something if they know we don't approve and they are happy to give it up if they know it is bad or wrong. Our relatives either don't care about us or have been trained over the years by us being gracious yet discouraging inappropriate gifts. You should give in where you can. If something isn't intrinsically evil, you don't have to take it away, even if it doesn't fit the vision you have for you family. This just helps keep the peace where it is fragile. Usually, if it isn't part of your lifestyle, children won't be that interested anyways. If it is objectively evil, like a bad book, you or your child should wrap it back up and say nothing until you the parents can talk to the gift giver privately. Even then, keep it simple, "I'm sorry we can't accept this." But most of the time just throwing it away privately will suffice. I think the embarrassment of having a gift returned is enough correction when it comes to delicate family situations. In your case, I would probably recommend moving further away from your family, like more than a 10 hour drive.  |
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Post by EricH on Aug 23, 2016 21:20:59 GMT -5
Hi Jen, I am single, but my whole family is non-Catholic or anti-Catholic. Over the years they have had plenty of opportunity to learn what I will and won't do for religious reasons, and very little of it should be annoying or burdensome to them. I do not start arguments or instigate conflict, so how well we get along depends pretty much entirely on them. Most of my family is willing to live and let live, and we get along fine. They rarely if ever start a conversation about religion, but when we do talk about it, we don't get upset although we do disagree on many things. Dealing with an anti-Catholic family member is a whole different thing. Such a person will make offers and create situations that he knows perfectly well are against Catholic faith or morals, and then find fault when I behave like a Catholic. He will often make inflammatory verbal attacks against Catholic doctrine and against me personally. I don't think it's possible to avoid conflict when someone acts like this, except by not being present. Such a person operates in total war mode and will regard any concessions you make as signs of weakness, prompting further attacks. If you are dealing with people like this, make no mistake that THEY are causing the war, and to preserve your faith, sanity, and peace of conscience you will just have to be at war with them. Don't kid yourself that it's because they don't understand or appreciate your beliefs. They don't want to understand you; they want to force their way of living upon you, and ultimately, I think, it's because they hate the idea of a holy religion whose moral code is above their own. They think they are very good people, that they do all that God and society can expect, and they take offense at anyone or anything that doesn't validate this opinion they have of themselves. Hopefully your family situation will not be a war, but my advice would be to stick to your principles one way or another, and let the chips fall where they may. In the long run, it's easier to live with being persecuted by one or two crazies than to live with violating your conscience. You can try to keep conflicts from boiling over, but that's not always possible. You can try having a polite and frank discussion, but if you're dealing with anti-Catholics, you might as well be talking to raccoons.  |
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Post by Marya Dabrowski on Aug 24, 2016 6:54:04 GMT -5
When they are little, just briefly thank them and throw it away when you get home. They won't see it in your house, your child playing with it, or your child wearing it and over the years they will get the idea. By them time your children are old enough to know better, they can say thanks and throw it away themselves when you get home. Where we are at in life right now, our children don't want something if they know we don't approve and they are happy to give it up if they know it is bad or wrong. Our relatives either don't care about us or have been trained over the years by us being gracious yet discouraging inappropriate gifts. You should give in where you can. If something isn't intrinsically evil, you don't have to take it away, even if it doesn't fit the vision you have for you family. This just helps keep the peace where it is fragile. Usually, if it isn't part of your lifestyle, children won't be that interested anyways. If it is objectively evil, like a bad book, you or your child should wrap it back up and say nothing until you the parents can talk to the gift giver privately. Even then, keep it simple, "I'm sorry we can't accept this." But most of the time just throwing it away privately will suffice. I think the embarrassment of having a gift returned is enough correction when it comes to delicate family situations. In your case, I would probably recommend moving further away from your family, like more than a 10 hour drive. A well-known Catholic family psychologist recommends this. A gift is yours to do what you want with. The giver has no more power to say what is done with it. If you were poor and thought it was nice you could even regift it. It's yours. If it is something sinful or immodest I would just trash it. There are outfits my girls have never worn, even though my MIL thought they were so adorable, because they were immodest. Over time they get the picture. |
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Post by jen51 on Aug 26, 2016 13:13:52 GMT -5
If you are dealing with people like this, make no mistake that THEY are causing the war, and to preserve your faith, sanity, and peace of conscience you will just have to be at war with them. Don't kid yourself that it's because they don't understand or appreciate your beliefs. They don't want to understand you; they want to force their way of living upon you, and ultimately, I think, it's because they hate the idea of a holy religion whose moral code is above their own. They think they are very good people, that they do all that God and society can expect, and they take offense at anyone or anything that doesn't validate this opinion they have of themselves. Hopefully your family situation will not be a war, but my advice would be to stick to your principles one way or another, and let the chips fall where they may. In the long run, it's easier to live with being persecuted by one or two crazies than to live with violating your conscience. You can try to keep conflicts from boiling over, but that's not always possible. You can try having a polite and frank discussion, but if you're dealing with anti-Catholics, you might as well be talking to raccoons. The first quoted paragraph fits my parents to a T. They do not believe that they need to follow any moral code. They consider themselves to be really good people, and to most everyone, they are. It's not like we come in telling them they need to change everything they are doing. Our only restrictions are when our children are involved. I try to explain to them that every parent has the right to decide what is best for their children. My parents had rules for my sister and I as children, and those that broke them didn't get to be around us. When we hold them to the same principle, they go into a balistic meltdown. It all comes down to pride. As you say, having a polite and frank, or LOGICAL discussion is impossible. My sister, on the other hand, is not the same way. She respects our beliefs. My parents say that we unjustly pick on them- but they are the only ones that give us problems. Again- no use explaining it to them. It's in one ear and out the other. |
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Post by jen51 on Aug 26, 2016 13:25:21 GMT -5
To Marya and Clotilde- I agree with you that it's ok to accept gifts that you don't want and just throw them away later. My husband doesn't agree, but I'm hoping we can come to a happy medium. There are always those few things that wouldn't be right to accept ever. He tends to be very heavy handed when it comes to naughty inlaws, and I tend to give in a bit much at times.
I agree, moving 10+ hours away sounds very good! We currently live 6 hours from them. They already guilt trip me for not coming to visit them more (encouraging me to come without my husband), I can't imagine the guilt trip if we were to move even further away. We've seriously considered moving to Alaska, as my husband used to live there. It's no man's land for Catholic's up there, though. Our faith would suffer from it.
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Post by jen51 on Aug 26, 2016 13:36:51 GMT -5
Jen...Ive had total war with both my mom and others about inappropriate gifts. I try to be kind...but sometimes you just have to make the stand...its very hard...but it has to be done. I know.  Being kind only goes so far. My husband says that being kind will almost always work on people of good will- but when you're dealing with people who have consistently stepped over the line, and have no intention of stopping, you need to put a stop to it, and it's usually not pretty. *sigh* Let's the cards fall how they may, I guess. Thanks everyone for your input. I know I have started multiple threads on my family strife, perhaps you're sick of hearing it by now! But I really do appreciate your help. I know that almost all trads deal with this sort of thing to some degree, many having done it for decades now. As a newbie, I find myself needing lots of help along the way. |
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Post by Clotilde on Aug 26, 2016 17:41:25 GMT -5
To Marya and Clotilde- I agree with you that it's ok to accept gifts that you don't want and just throw them away later. My husband doesn't agree, but I'm hoping we can come to a happy medium. There are always those few things that wouldn't be right to accept ever. He tends to be very heavy handed when it comes to naughty inlaws, and I tend to give in a bit much at times. I agree, moving 10+ hours away sounds very good! We currently live 6 hours from them. They already guilt trip me for not coming to visit them more (encouraging me to come without my husband), I can't imagine the guilt trip if we were to move even further away. We've seriously considered moving to Alaska, as my husband used to live there. It's no man's land for Catholic's up there, though. Our faith would suffer from it. If I can ever save anyone from stupid things I've done and said, I at least try. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 26, 2016 18:02:26 GMT -5
I agree, moving 10+ hours away sounds very good! We currently live 6 hours from them. They already guilt trip me for not coming to visit them more (encouraging me to come without my husband), I can't imagine the guilt trip if we were to move even further away. We've seriously considered moving to Alaska, as my husband used to live there. It's no man's land for Catholic's up there, though. Our faith would suffer from it. Come to Phoenix! We need to establish a Catholic enclave down here. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 26, 2016 18:11:22 GMT -5
You'll have to be firm. Look mom squarely in the eye and in a very calm voice tell her you love her and have no desire to offend her but there are just some gifts you will not let your children accept. You have a few years before this becomes an issue, maybe she'll change or since you're not close will send cash instead. Once we moved, both my mom and MIL just sent cash and told me to buy whatever the kids needed and just put her name on it |
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Post by jen51 on Aug 26, 2016 18:36:35 GMT -5
You'll have to be firm. Look mom squarely in the eye and in a very calm voice tell her you love her and have no desire to offend her but there are just some gifts you will not let your children accept. You have a few years before this becomes an issue, maybe she'll change or since you're not close will send cash instead. Once we moved, both my mom and MIL just sent cash and told me to buy whatever the kids needed and just put her name on it Cash would be great! If they ever ask for suggestions, I'll suggest that. |
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Post by Voxxkowalski on Aug 26, 2016 19:37:47 GMT -5
On a less serious note my Mom used to buy every birthday and christmas for the boys when they were little.... these massive multi plastic parts sets with lots of little cars...people...animals...toy soldiers etc.....AND MAN! that crap would be just spread all over the house! I told her I would put the next big box multi part set right in the garbage if she continued....explaining of course the problem.   |
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Post by Clotilde on Aug 26, 2016 20:04:40 GMT -5
Looks like my basement on a good day.
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Post by Voxxkowalski on Aug 27, 2016 8:29:53 GMT -5
Looks like my basement on a good day. Imagine 3boys getting a new set every bday and xmas |
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Being kind only goes so far. My husband says that being kind will almost always work on people of good will- but when you're dealing with people who have consistently stepped over the line, and have no intention of stopping, you need to put a stop to it, and it's usually not pretty. *sigh*