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Post by Voxxkowalski on Jun 2, 2016 11:38:32 GMT -5
Hes also a Drexel engineer with excellent prospects.
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Post by Clotilde on Jun 2, 2016 11:54:38 GMT -5
Clotilde, your advice about husband's just listening to their wives, and not trying to fix or solve the problem, is spot on! It reminds of a short video my husband and I like to watch. We both crack up through the whole thing. Because it's so true! I've seen at one, love it! |
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Post by Clotilde on Jun 2, 2016 11:59:10 GMT -5
This is a great thread! Not being married, I am afraid that I don't have much to add, but I think that everyone put in some great comments here!  Well, you best get married so you have something to add! |
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Caillin
Approved Cath Resource contributor
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Post by Caillin on Jun 2, 2016 13:26:33 GMT -5
Our 7 year anniversary is August 1. It's been great, and pretty smooth sailing overall. I don't know if I can add any better advice than what's already been given here.
Think before you speak, and if it's negative and unnecessary, don't say it. If she has what you think is an unjust complaint against you (e.g. working a lot of overtime when you know it has to be done) , don't try too hard to justify yourself. Let her know you understand and very lightly tell her your justification or excuse, then bite your tongue and drop it. If she continues harping on it, don't fuel it, even if you are completely justified. When incidents like this occur while she's pregnant, just consider yourself mute.
Surprise her with flowers, or other things, from time to time.
Include her in with your financial and budgetary decisions (even though you have the final say). Have common financial goals, big and small, to work towards (e.g. saving enough to get a decent house in the country).
Be productive around the house, with home improvement projects, and such. She'll appreciate it and respect you for it, especially if it's something you had to learn. Include her in on the projects as much as possible, even if it's just helping with design characteristics.
Do some of her house work from time to time.
Balance everything with time spent with her and the kids.
Limit your forum/internet time when you are together. You don't want her thinking she's less important than a computer screen.
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Post by jen51 on Jun 2, 2016 18:16:19 GMT -5
I'm really enjoying this thread. Everyone has had great suggestions.
Being married a very short time, I have learned at least a few things (usually the hard way, unfortunately).
This has already been mentioned, but it deserves a second mention. Never ever talk bad about your spouse to anyone. Also, it's never a good idea to let on to anyone, especially parents, that you may be less than satisfied with something your spouse has done. Never bring up a disagreement that you've had with your spouse in front of anyone either. Basically, if you don't have something complimentary or neutral to say about your spouse, it's best not to say anything at all.
Let the small little annoyances go. They really aren't worth mentioning to your spouse.
In my experience, it's best to let disagreements with his parents be settled by him, and disagreements with my parents be settled by me. Parents don't take too kindly criticism or opposition from their child's spouse. Ours don't at least. We've had to deal with too many parent issues in our short time married. Neither of our parents are the least bit religious.
Compliment your husband a lot, and let him know he's doing well. It makes my husband so incredibly happy when I say, "I'm so happy with you, I'm glad I married you!" Kind words go a long way and cover a multitude of offenses. Also, complimenting him while others are around never hurts.
Wives don't bombard your husband with problems the moment he returns home from work or when he's stressed, overwhelmed or in a hurry. There are times when it's alright to ask him to fix something or do something around the house that needs done, but many times it's best just to wait for that moment to come. Same goes with husbands to wives. If she's clearly busy or preoccupied, try not to be upset when she's not giving you her undivided attention at that moment.
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Post by RitaMarita on Jun 2, 2016 18:48:53 GMT -5
This is a great thread! Not being married, I am afraid that I don't have much to add, but I think that everyone put in some great comments here! If your willing to move to PA Ill introduce you to my second oldest son. Hes 22...you? Lots of laughter... Actually I am turning 25 at the end of the year, so I would be a bit old for him. Thanks for the offer though.  I always find that it is harder for me to respect men who are not older than me, and if I do get married I would want to have be able to look up to my husband. (Not saying that there is anything wrong with your son, of course, I am sure that you know what I mean.) |
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Post by RitaMarita on Jun 2, 2016 18:52:21 GMT -5
Hes also a Drexel engineer with excellent prospects. It is good to hear that your son is making something of himself. I have known so many men not to even set themselves up for life until the were in their mid to late thirties! Regardless of the whole marriage thing... If you all ever happen to come to Virginia, and it is not during a really busy time, I would love to meet you all. Perhaps I could even give you a tour of our farm. |
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Post by RitaMarita on Jun 2, 2016 18:55:09 GMT -5
This is a great thread! Not being married, I am afraid that I don't have much to add, but I think that everyone put in some great comments here! Well, you best get married so you have something to add! Lots of laughter... Well, that is all in God's Hands. I am pretty sure that I am called to the married life, but so far have never been in a healthy relationship. Most of the men usually ditched me, the Faith, or God pretty quickly... So sad, but I have begun to see that God probably has a reason for this and is just testing me and helping me to prepare better. If you would keep this intention in your prayers I would appreciate it, especially that I learn to be more patient and trusting. |
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Post by jen51 on Jun 2, 2016 19:14:22 GMT -5
We're rooting for you, Rita!
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Post by Clotilde on Jun 2, 2016 19:43:15 GMT -5
We're rooting for you, Rita! Because everyone loves a wedding! |
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Post by chestertonian on Jun 2, 2016 20:01:19 GMT -5
another thing is listening to each other. most people really suck at this. i know i have. no one wants to be married to a brick wall. i think smetimes it has been very tempting to minimize what the other person goes throgh in life. this is very tempting especially since mens bodies and womens bodies are very different, and the crosses God has put in our lives are often distinct--i might have a glimpse of the cross my wife carries, and it is a different cross from the one i carry. comparing my cross to her cross does absolutely nothing to build empathy in the marriage. if i have neuropathy or some other chronic pain and she asks me what my pain level is and i say it is a 7 she could say "wellllll....you also haven't given birth with no drugs." no, i haven't (thank god) but then again she hasn't gone through the sorts of things i go through.
when we first got married, mrs c was still a student and also working some unfulfilling, unpaid internship. she got pregnant on the honeymoon so before we knew it, she had morning sickness and all that fun pregnant lady stuff.
i was teaching full time and going to grad school and on dialysis. so she would come home from work and say "I'm tired" and i would be all like, "Actually these are 10 reasons why i am the tireder one" and we would go back and forth like that....why? I don't know. neither of us really felt heard, or acknowledged because we wasted all this mental energy on minimizing each others' experience of tiredness....it was neer reallly a serious contention or epic fight until one point my wife said something like, "WHAT IF I TOLD YOU that it's possible for us to both be tired at the same time."
after that we both tried to acknowledge one another and validate what the other person is saying. rarely does an empathetic response sound like "well at least you can ________."
i often see this with couples where the dad is out working all day and the mother is at home with children.... conversations like "the children are driving me crazy, all i do is clean up bodily fluids" and the dad is like "welll at least you dont have to sit in meetings for 5 hours with incompetent morons" and then the wife is all "well at least you have adult conversation during those meetings" and the husband is all "well at least you dont have all this stress of providing for a family' ad nausesam. in the end there is little understanding between the spouses and both spend more time judging the sacrifices the other person makes instead of empathizing or expressing gratitude
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Post by Clotilde on Jun 2, 2016 20:15:56 GMT -5
another thing is listening to each other. most people really suck at this. i know i have. no one wants to be married to a brick wall. i think smetimes it has been very tempting to minimize what the other person goes throgh in life. this is very tempting especially since mens bodies and womens bodies are very different, and the crosses God has put in our lives are often distinct--i might have a glimpse of the cross my wife carries, and it is a different cross from the one i carry. comparing my cross to her cross does absolutely nothing to build empathy in the marriage. if i have neuropathy or some other chronic pain and she asks me what my pain level is and i say it is a 7 she could say "wellllll....you also haven't given birth with no drugs." no, i haven't (thank god) but then again she hasn't gone through the sorts of things i go through. when we first got married, mrs c was still a student and also working some unfulfilling, unpaid internship. she got pregnant on the honeymoon so before we knew it, she had morning sickness and all that fun pregnant lady stuff. i was teaching full time and going to grad school and on dialysis. so she would come home from work and say "I'm tired" and i would be all like, "Actually these are 10 reasons why i am the tireder one" and we would go back and forth like that....why? I don't know. neither of us really felt heard, or acknowledged because we wasted all this mental energy on minimizing each others' experience of tiredness....it was neer reallly a serious contention or epic fight until one point my wife said something like, "WHAT IF I TOLD YOU that it's possible for us to both be tired at the same time." after that we both tried to acknowledge one another and validate what the other person is saying. rarely does an empathetic response sound like "well at least you can ________." i often see this with couples where the dad is out working all day and the mother is at home with children.... conversations like "the children are driving me crazy, all i do is clean up bodily fluids" and the dad is like "welll at least you dont have to sit in meetings for 5 hours with incompetent morons" and then the wife is all "well at least you have adult conversation during those meetings" and the husband is all "well at least you dont have all this stress of providing for a family' ad nausesam. in the end there is little understanding between the spouses and both spend more time judging the sacrifices the other person makes instead of empathizing or expressing gratitude You are so right. It's not a contest. I think it is far better to complain to one's spouse and confide in them, than to turn elsewhere. Not that complaining is good but it's a fault, and the best person to bear it is a spouse if someone is going to do it anyways. I think between spouses though, sometimes it really isn't complaining but saying "Hey, there is something wrong here, what do you think about it?" Don't get me wrong, what you describe definitely happens and can be a pitfall! Your ur responses on this thread have been so insightful, I've enjoyed them. Mainly because they are wise and thoughtful but also because I hope they will help those who aren't cookie cutter trads, and also for those who are, it will hopefully make them think outside their boxes. Maybe that's another thread though. |
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Post by jen51 on Jun 2, 2016 21:43:49 GMT -5
We're rooting for you, Rita! Because everyone loves a wedding! Indeed! |
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Post by Voxxkowalski on Jun 2, 2016 23:10:27 GMT -5
If your willing to move to PA Ill introduce you to my second oldest son. Hes 22...you? Lots of laughter... Actually I am turning 25 at the end of the year, so I would be a bit old for him. Thanks for the offer though. I always find that it is harder for me to respect men who are not older than me, and if I do get married I would want to have be able to look up to my husband. (Not saying that there is anything wrong with your son, of course, I am sure that you know what I mean.) You just dont want me as your dad...I get it. |
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Post by Voxxkowalski on Jun 2, 2016 23:12:28 GMT -5
Hes also a Drexel engineer with excellent prospects. It is good to hear that your son is making something of himself. I have known so many men not to even set themselves up for life until the were in their mid to late thirties! Regardless of the whole marriage thing... If you all ever happen to come to Virginia, and it is not during a really busy time, I would love to meet you all. Perhaps I could even give you a tour of our farm. I really would love my sons to meet great and honorable catholic women,,,but they are as scarce as platinum. |
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