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Post by Clotilde on Jun 1, 2016 16:25:36 GMT -5
Pretty simple question.
What advice would you give to husbands or wives in particular? To younger married couples? What is the key to a happy marriage? How have you and your spouse grown together? What are the biggest pitfalls in marriages?
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Post by jen51 on Jun 1, 2016 18:08:19 GMT -5
We've been married 2 years in August.
Great thread. I'm eager to hear any advice for young married couples! We're not that young, but we're rather newly married.
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Post by mundacormeum on Jun 1, 2016 18:42:04 GMT -5
We will be married 13 years in August. The adivce my father in law always gives to young men starting a marriage is to always cherish your wife. My husband has always followed that advice, and it makes a world of difference. It makes me a better wife because of how well he treats me. For the wives, I recieved a piece of advice from a priest once, and I thought it was really good. He told me "let your husband love you." It's so true. Men want to be able to make their wife happy, partly because they know a happy wife makes for a happy home life. A well-loved and well-taken care of woman feels safe, secure, and protected. Which means, she then feels truly safe to live out authentic femininity, always striving to please and honor her husband, and love and care for her children well. If it weren't for my husband, I would be a horrible wretch of a wife. I find the husband/wife relationship to feed off of each other....it's cyclical (I think that's the right term). The more the husband cherishes and meets his wife's needs, the more she will want to please and respect him. He, in turn, will then want to love her and treat her well even more, and so on. If the cycle gets broken, the converse is true. When the husband's needs are not met, he is less likely to want to meet his wife's needs, and it goes downhill from there. to get it back, it only needs to start with one party....that's the hard part  swallowing your pride, dying to yourself, and giving - even when your spouse doesn't seem to deserve it. The key is always striving to meet the needs of your spouse first. The rest will fall into place, and everyone wins....kids, too. The best thing you can do for your kids is have a healthy marriage. Never put your marriage on the shelf, even in the midst of raising babies. That's probably the biggest pitfall....not making your marriage a priority because of the demands of parenthood. Always make time for your marriage, no matter how hard it may be (and it is hard!) Father Ripperger also said in a sermon once, to a group of husband's: never give your wife what she wants; rather, always give your wife what you know will make her happy. I thought that was really good advice, too. I think it would apply to wives, as well. |
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Post by Clotilde on Jun 1, 2016 20:09:44 GMT -5
I've been married 14 years.
Husbands, work hard, make St. Joseph your model, do what it takes to make ends meet. Listen to your wives, resist the urge to fix the situation, just listen and let your wife confide in you and trust you.
Wives, learn what makes your husband happy, get better at doing whatever those things are, always try to improve yourself for the sake of making a happy home. Don't criticize your husband, nag him, or discourage him.
To younger married couples, try not to burn bridges with people around you. Resolve to treat one another with Charity in all things throughout marriage. Enjoy your time before children and when they are young. Enjoy simple things in life together. Realize that ideals you have when you are younger are not etched in stone, you will become more flexible and change as time wears you down. Never speak ill of your spouse, especially to your family. Ever. Don't do it. Know that the first years of marriage are the hardest, be ready to forgive, compromise, and change yourself, while growing together. Don't keep secrets from one another unless it is about a present. Presents are good secrets. Pray the rosary every day, together if possible, and wear the scapular.
The key to a happy marriage is obviously both spouses treating one another with complete Charity directed towards their mutual sanctification. Miserable marriages usually involve one or both parties neglecting their duties and most especially those who are not open to children, or have children grudgingly. Be happy with what you have and make the best of everything. Make important decisions together.
My my husband and I are very different personality-wise. He is truly my better half as they say. It looks as though we might be an unlikely couple, if you know us well but I think we make up for defects in one another. I think of us as having complimentary personalities, and also the fact that we just have a deep respect and admiration for one another shows we have done something right, I hope. We like to do things together and we have our own separate interests that we also might do side by side. I guess we have grown together by the fact that we love our vocation and we are attentive to one another.
Biggest pitfalls? Accusatory language. Starting sentences with "You always..." Or just "You" for that matter. Getting too emotional. Not knowing how or when to shut up. Not knowing or doing your duties well. Being ill-informed about morality. Not knowing about and fulfilling the marriage debt (this is mostly directed at ladies). Not identifying outside factors that may be causing trouble and separating them from the marriage--money, in-laws, basically anything stressful. Also, getting mad or upset abut stuff that just isn't worth it. So your husband bought a bag of potato chips when he isn't supposed to eat them? Get over it, ask him if he wants you to make some dip. Your wife spent too much money on a haircut? Tell her she looks nice and move on. Don't keep score, don't dredge up the past. Forgive, forget, and move on.
My advice is for normal people capable of loving others, obviously if your husband or wife is weird, immoral, or not in their right mind, it would be different.
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Post by Voxxkowalski on Jun 1, 2016 20:46:37 GMT -5
29 years...men be strong...be willing to risk your wifes hatred as long as you are loving them. In other words if you feel a certain decision is right...but your wife doesnt...and you cant convince her...too bad...do the right thing and risk the wrath. It doesnt matter if your wife loves you...what matters is you love your wife. And completely understand you are two different creations...you think differently...both ways of thinking are important for your stations in life...BUT be aware...womens thoughts are like a bowl of spaghetti...and mens are like a waffle. As for the Children My favorite quote is from a Middle Eastern Poet called Kahlil Gibran...from his Masterpiece(IMO) The Prophet |
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Post by Clotilde on Jun 1, 2016 20:59:51 GMT -5
Men's thoughts are like a waffle? Made of butter and eggs, fried to crispy goodness and then drenched with boiled down tree sap?
Women's thoughts are like spaghetti? Drenched with delicious tomato sauce, wound up on a fork with a side of meatballs and a piece of Italian sausage?
I have never been more confused. I also think waffles (aka Man Thoughts) sound good for dinner on Friday.
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Post by chestertonian on Jun 1, 2016 21:07:07 GMT -5
well spaghetti is one of the messiest foods to eat
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Post by Clotilde on Jun 1, 2016 21:09:57 GMT -5
well spaghetti is one of the messiest foods to eat Please don't get me started. LOL. |
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Post by chestertonian on Jun 2, 2016 0:07:35 GMT -5
the Mrs and i will celebrate our 12 year wedding anniversary this august which is also when she is due with the new baby. We have been together for 18 years--she and i started dating when we were teenagers. Everyone told us that our relationship is destined for failure. We went about it completely wrong--dated in high school, weren't chaste, cohabitated, etc etc. as a 16 year old i wasn't thinking about how i'd cope with her dysfunctional family background, and she wasn't thinking at 14 how she'd deal with my medical problems. We were just best friends who were passionately into each other and bound and determined to prove all the haters wrong.
one thing that has always been important to us as a couple is giving each space to grow as individuals. tis isescpeccially important when youarevery young and your sense of self is not fully formed. we chose to go to the same college and and it was very important for each of us to be able to focus on personal growth--to work on our studies, pursue a career and support one another in these individual pursuits. in college we both discovered the Catholic faith, our journeys were intertwined and often fed off one another but they were also distinct as well. during those adolescent years we gave each other lots, and lots, and lots of space.
and then we got married. the Mrs still had a year to go with undergrad, and i was in my first year of grad school. this whole "being catholic" thing was new to us and we spent a lot of time reading books on Catholic marriage to prepare ourselves. we made so many plans and absolutely none of them came to fruition.
the Mrs came from an unstable abusive family, and had spent years in and out of foster care and shuttled between relatives' houses. so The Books are all she knew about what makes a marriage work. she, in particular, ws ver very attached to doing things by the book. she read john gottman, Dr. Laura, fulton sheen, alice von hildebrand, all these books about being married. i think in some ways they were very good for her to read, and in some ways it made her very anxious about Doing It All Wrong. we have shelves and shelves of marriage and parenting books. asaconvert i have a tendency to look to The Books, and other catholic families, as The Way Things Should Be Done
we dont have a lot of the typical married people problems because wedont have anything close to a typical traddy marriage where the hubby is out pounding the pavement all day and the wife is at home cooking and cleaning. as for the problems we have encountered in our marriage, there are no manuals for them. as st john of the cross says, “If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.” we walk in the dark, together making this whole, "catholic marriage" thing up as we go along. much of the generic "Catholic Husband's Guide to Wearing The Pants" sort of stuff is completely different from my day to day life. I don't even put my own pants on these days. There's no guide for that. so it has been a process of letting go of what The Books say and let God be the author of our marriage.
marriage is the cross. One of the best pieces of advice i ever got when i was engaged was "if your marriage is at times a slow painful crucifixion, you're doing it wrong." sometimes, the crucifixion is helping your spouse carry their cross...sometimes your spouse IS the cross. it is tempting to run away with it. iamoften tempted to tell my wife to just, go leave because it's easier to suffer alone than to have her standing by my side watching me suffer. she comes to see me anyway. sometimes i think there is too much intimacy in our marriage due to the fact that she does my medical care and ADL's when Dr Laura wrote "the care and feeding of husbands" i dont think dealing with every single one of your husband's bodily functions is what she had in mind. bt my wife has done it for years, whether she's angry at me or not, whether she feels like it or not... there is no "space" in our relationship to retreat toanymore. but at the same time i think god has given her a lot of grace to care for me and function on very little sleep. and he has sustained me one day at a time...i still dont know how long this will go on, or how i will manage this way but, one day at a time.
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Post by Voxxkowalski on Jun 2, 2016 5:15:20 GMT -5
When women think all of their thoughts intermingle with other thoughts...when men think each thought is compartmentalized.
spaghetti....intermingled noodles
waffles...compartmentalized.
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Deleted
Past Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jun 2, 2016 5:52:06 GMT -5
I guess there's not much for me to add, everyone here has great insights. Perhaps I could include, being big on personal responsibility, that each spouse is responsible for their own behavior. Having found a wonderful husband, I don't have the experience of marriage being a cross- |
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Post by mundacormeum on Jun 2, 2016 7:33:34 GMT -5
Clotilde, your advice about husband's just listening to their wives, and not trying to fix or solve the problem, is spot on! It reminds of a short video my husband and I like to watch. We both crack up through the whole thing. Because it's so true!
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Post by mundacormeum on Jun 2, 2016 7:35:38 GMT -5
When women think all of their thoughts intermingle with other thoughts...when men think each thought is compartmentalized. spaghetti....intermingled noodles waffles...compartmentalized. So true! Hahaha....I've never heard this analogy before. I'm going to have to share this wth my husband....he will appreciate it. |
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Post by RitaMarita on Jun 2, 2016 8:44:41 GMT -5
This is a great thread! Not being married, I am afraid that I don't have much to add, but I think that everyone put in some great comments here! |
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Post by Voxxkowalski on Jun 2, 2016 11:37:27 GMT -5
This is a great thread! Not being married, I am afraid that I don't have much to add, but I think that everyone put in some great comments here! If your willing to move to PA Ill introduce you to my second oldest son. Hes 22...you? |
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swallowing your pride, dying to yourself, and giving - even when your spouse doesn't seem to deserve it. The key is always striving to meet the needs of your spouse first. The rest will fall into place, and everyone wins....kids, too. The best thing you can do for your kids is have a healthy marriage. Never put your marriage on the shelf, even in the midst of raising babies. That's probably the biggest pitfall....not making your marriage a priority because of the demands of parenthood. Always make time for your marriage, no matter how hard it may be (and it is hard!) Father Ripperger also said in a sermon once, to a group of husband's: never give your wife what she wants; rather, always give your wife what you know will make her happy. I thought that was really good advice, too. I think it would apply to wives, as well. 
