Post by bartholomew on Feb 1, 2019 1:57:24 GMT -5
So I do not know where to begin.
I was tood by my grandfather very recently that I had been raised by my mother as a byzantine catholic as a child. It was, as he recalled to me, until about 11 years of age that we regularly attended mass.
I have very little understanding of why we stopped. I know my mother lost herself around then. There is a story to tell there...
And by that I do not mean her soul, I couldn't speak to that. I suppose only god would know. What I mean is, she lost her sense of place, time, and worth as a human being. she slipped into a very deep depression and by all accounts is now mentally ill.
It started when I was 12. My mother was raising me and my two sisters by herself at the time (my father is not present in our lives for reasons I would rather not discuss).
we had a family dog - a Labrador. Nothing unusual for a family like ours. My mother loved that dog very much, almost as much as she loved us. Her name was sadie.
She was an outside dog, very trusting of strangers and well behaved. But one day, a group of teenagers in our neighborhood beat sadie to death with rocks. They had tricked sadie with treats and held her down, while two of them struck her senseless. We only know of this because it was witnessed by our neighbor at the time, and she called the police - but they didn't show up for at least half an hour - by that time the children were gone and sadie was dead.
My mother was the first to discover her. She had just come home from work, and we had all been at our grandparents waiting for her to come home. So my mother was all alone when she found sadie. And she became hysterical. I'll never forget how tearful , how absolutely broken she looked when she first rushed into grandma's house. She had sadies collar in her hand and there was blood on her blouse. We were all shocked, and tried speaking with her, but she could barely control herself.
And since then she stopped being our mother, she stopped being anyone at all. She started to behave as if she were deaf, or mute. She wouldn't speak to us, she stopped taking care of herself and quit her job. By the time I was 13 we had to sell our hime and move in with my grandparents. That was over ten years ago.
Today, she is no better, she is still empty, like her spirit left her altogether. We are forced to bathe and feed her every day, or rather, my grandfather and grandmother take care of all that - I make sure she eats, and occasionally I try to coax her into taking walks with me around the neighborhood - but this is very rare.
The doctors were never very helpful, they say that nothing is wrong with her physically, but have suggested psychologists, psychiatrists, neurologists, etc. my grandparents cannot afford this and do not put much faith in the practice of psychiatry. Since we were all well mannered kids, they were able to devote themselves entirely to her care - so the doctors advice has never really been taken.
I decided to revisit my faith after a strange incident with my mother. Actually, it was the death of my wife that really pushed me in this direction. But I do not to speak of her here, she was not a practicing christian in any regard and, her death is tragically related to one of the most shameful moments in my life. I think its best to not bring her story here, for now.
My mother is the real inspiration to try and 'find' my faith again. One day, when I was feeding her, she began to whisper something under her breath - 'bartholomews fire'.
She repeated this phrase several times. And nowadays, if she seems restless or uneasy, I will catch her murmuring it underneath her breath.
I was curious, I searched for information about bartholomew on the web, this lead me to reading about the apostles, and eventually I began reading the new testament.
Truthfully, I was just curious about my mothers words. But it has become more than that, I want to understand my mothers faith - the faith that she lost when she lost herself, the faith she lost the day sadie died.
And now I find myself wanting, wishing to take up her faith in her stead. I had no interest in this before, for ten years I simply forgot the question. But now this fire, 'bartholomews fire' burns deeply in my heart.
But I do not really understand faith - and I do not understand how I came upon this question. Why now, why so many years later?
I have not been able to find any mention of bartholomews fire, even amidst the most esoteric christian texts. I asked a priest about it, and he said there was nothing to support the idea that it is anything other than my mother's brain quietly shutting down.
So that is how I arrive to you, on this humble board. I am a member if several catholic message boards now. I wish to talk to christians, to see if my mothers words would mean anything to them - to any body.
But most of all, I want to rescue the faith my mother lost, by living it in her stead. I hope this does not make me seem proud, I come to you with open arms and ears.
My real name is Lucas. I suppose that I have introduced my self sufficiently. Hello to all.
I was tood by my grandfather very recently that I had been raised by my mother as a byzantine catholic as a child. It was, as he recalled to me, until about 11 years of age that we regularly attended mass.
I have very little understanding of why we stopped. I know my mother lost herself around then. There is a story to tell there...
And by that I do not mean her soul, I couldn't speak to that. I suppose only god would know. What I mean is, she lost her sense of place, time, and worth as a human being. she slipped into a very deep depression and by all accounts is now mentally ill.
It started when I was 12. My mother was raising me and my two sisters by herself at the time (my father is not present in our lives for reasons I would rather not discuss).
we had a family dog - a Labrador. Nothing unusual for a family like ours. My mother loved that dog very much, almost as much as she loved us. Her name was sadie.
She was an outside dog, very trusting of strangers and well behaved. But one day, a group of teenagers in our neighborhood beat sadie to death with rocks. They had tricked sadie with treats and held her down, while two of them struck her senseless. We only know of this because it was witnessed by our neighbor at the time, and she called the police - but they didn't show up for at least half an hour - by that time the children were gone and sadie was dead.
My mother was the first to discover her. She had just come home from work, and we had all been at our grandparents waiting for her to come home. So my mother was all alone when she found sadie. And she became hysterical. I'll never forget how tearful , how absolutely broken she looked when she first rushed into grandma's house. She had sadies collar in her hand and there was blood on her blouse. We were all shocked, and tried speaking with her, but she could barely control herself.
And since then she stopped being our mother, she stopped being anyone at all. She started to behave as if she were deaf, or mute. She wouldn't speak to us, she stopped taking care of herself and quit her job. By the time I was 13 we had to sell our hime and move in with my grandparents. That was over ten years ago.
Today, she is no better, she is still empty, like her spirit left her altogether. We are forced to bathe and feed her every day, or rather, my grandfather and grandmother take care of all that - I make sure she eats, and occasionally I try to coax her into taking walks with me around the neighborhood - but this is very rare.
The doctors were never very helpful, they say that nothing is wrong with her physically, but have suggested psychologists, psychiatrists, neurologists, etc. my grandparents cannot afford this and do not put much faith in the practice of psychiatry. Since we were all well mannered kids, they were able to devote themselves entirely to her care - so the doctors advice has never really been taken.
I decided to revisit my faith after a strange incident with my mother. Actually, it was the death of my wife that really pushed me in this direction. But I do not to speak of her here, she was not a practicing christian in any regard and, her death is tragically related to one of the most shameful moments in my life. I think its best to not bring her story here, for now.
My mother is the real inspiration to try and 'find' my faith again. One day, when I was feeding her, she began to whisper something under her breath - 'bartholomews fire'.
She repeated this phrase several times. And nowadays, if she seems restless or uneasy, I will catch her murmuring it underneath her breath.
I was curious, I searched for information about bartholomew on the web, this lead me to reading about the apostles, and eventually I began reading the new testament.
Truthfully, I was just curious about my mothers words. But it has become more than that, I want to understand my mothers faith - the faith that she lost when she lost herself, the faith she lost the day sadie died.
And now I find myself wanting, wishing to take up her faith in her stead. I had no interest in this before, for ten years I simply forgot the question. But now this fire, 'bartholomews fire' burns deeply in my heart.
But I do not really understand faith - and I do not understand how I came upon this question. Why now, why so many years later?
I have not been able to find any mention of bartholomews fire, even amidst the most esoteric christian texts. I asked a priest about it, and he said there was nothing to support the idea that it is anything other than my mother's brain quietly shutting down.
So that is how I arrive to you, on this humble board. I am a member if several catholic message boards now. I wish to talk to christians, to see if my mothers words would mean anything to them - to any body.
But most of all, I want to rescue the faith my mother lost, by living it in her stead. I hope this does not make me seem proud, I come to you with open arms and ears.
My real name is Lucas. I suppose that I have introduced my self sufficiently. Hello to all.